How are we are supposed to grieve? In a time of pain and change, we might want the comfort of knowing that we are grieving "properly".

When working with grief and loss, we are time and again reminded of the individuality of grief. There is little comparison between how clients experience loss. For some there is an aching hole that is the absence of the loved one. For others it can be more complex; things unsaid in life, death by suicide, estranged family, past truama and hurt. There is no way to grieve "properly" but there are many things that we can do which will help us process our loss.

Theories of Loss

Many clients come to therapy with some knowledge of the theory of " 5 Stages of Grief" and an expectation to cycle through these towards some kind of acceptance or calm. Kubler Ross wrote these through the observing of patients who were terminally ill. They more truly reflect the journey that a person with a terminal illness works through towards their death than of the person left behind. Even in these circumstances, individuals will experience these recognised stages differently. Not only that but in an order that will make sense of their own experience with most moving between the stages, back and forth as they make sense of how their life is coming to an end.

While it is useful for us to understand that grief rarely comes alone. It usually has many other emotional companions. Anger, sadness, rage against unfairness, dispair, confusion, loneliness, relief...

Dual Processing Theory

Grief is a deeply personal and complex experience, often characterized by waves of emotional pain and periods of adjustment. The Dual Process Model (DPM) of grief, introduced by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, provides a compassionate and practical framework for understanding how individuals navigate loss.

The DPM proposes that grieving involves oscillating between two types of stressors: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented tasks. Loss-oriented tasks include activities and thoughts directly related to the bereavement, such as mourning, reminiscing about the deceased, or expressing sadness. These moments allow the grieving individual to process their emotional pain and maintain a bond with the lost person.

On the other hand, restoration-oriented tasks focus on adapting to life changes and rebuilding a sense of normalcy. This might include managing daily responsibilities, forming new routines, or even finding moments of joy. These tasks encourage individuals to gradually reintegrate into their lives without the constant weight of grief.

What makes the Dual Process Model unique is its emphasis on oscillation—the natural back-and-forth movement between these two modes. This reflects the reality that grief is not linear. Some days, a person might feel overwhelmed by their loss, while other days they may be focused on practical matters or even experience a sense of hope.

The model also acknowledges that individuals grieve differently. Some may spend more time in loss-oriented activities, while others may lean toward restoration. Both approaches are valid and often depend on personality, cultural context, and the nature of the loss.

By embracing the Dual Process Model, we can better support those in grief. It reminds us to be patient and understanding, allowing space for emotional expression while encouraging gradual steps toward healing and adaptation. Grief is not about “moving on” but about learning to live in a world forever changed.

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